All the inspirational, thought-provoking, or just plain funny quotes that have appeared as the Quote of the Day. Oldest on bottom, newest on top. Note: if an author is listed as "unknown," it could mean that the original author is unknown, or that we just don't know who the author is.
"Don't you hate it when people don't finish their
"Engage the core!"
-E6 Youth Group
"Don't quote me on this."
-anonymous
"Eighty percent of success is showing up."
-Woody Allen
"I wish social networks would have the timer like in video games so people could see how long they've actually been on there."
-anonymous
"Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far."
-Theodore Roosevelt
"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."
-Douglas Adams
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."
-Abraham Lincoln
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
-Mark Twain
"I'm Batman."
-Batman
"I'd rather be right than president."
-Henry Clay
"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain-- and most fools do."
-Benjamin Franklin
"Riches don't make a man rich, they only make him busier."
-Christopher Columbus
"I'm not closed-minded. You're just wrong."
-unknown
"Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking."
-Albert Einstein
"THROW THE CHEESE!!"
-asdf character
"Internet quotes can be extremely inaccurate."
-Abraham Lincoln
"After my injury, they X-rayed my head and found nothing."
-Yogi Berra
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities."
-Dr. Seuss
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
-Spike Milligan
"Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it."
-P. J. O'Rourke
"Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!"
-Me, running across the beach
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-Bill Gates
"A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?"
-Albert Einstein
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
-Groucho Marx
"Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth."
-Chuck Norris
"I was paying so much attention I'm broke."
-David Janzen
"Great minds think alike. And so do ours."
-Unknown
"Twenty years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope. Today, we have no Jobs, no Cash, and no Hope. Please keep Kevin Bacon alive."
-Unknown
"When they put 'unknown' at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't know how to spell anonymous."
-Unknown
"If by 'delusional,' you mean 'gorgeous,' then yes. Yes, I am."
-Unknown
"I just lost my mood ring. I'm not sure how I feel about this..."
-Colin
"The last man on earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door..."
-Fredric Brown
"Whenever someone asks me if I've ever met Sasquatch, I always tell them, 'He requires me to say no.'"
-anonymous
"I like to stop the microwave with one second to go; it makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert."
-anonymous
"I'd rather make dollars than sense."
-unknown
"Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?"
-some very motivated dude
"I carpool."
-A friend of mine, when asked how he got to school
"A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
-Fred Allen
"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity."
-Edgar Allan Poe
"The most sophisticated people I know - inside they are all children."
-Jim Henson
"Nothing is nothing."
-Spencer
"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex... It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction."
-Albert Einstein
"A soldier will fight long and hard for a bit of colored ribbon."
-Napoleon Bonaparte
"Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe."
-Abraham Lincoln
"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality."
-Albert Einstein
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?"
-George Carlin
"Never, under any circumstances, combine a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."
-Dave Barry
"Bippidy boppidy bacon."
-anonymous
"Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new at all."
-Abraham Lincoln
"Crowded classrooms and half-day sessions are a tragic waste of our greatest national resource - the minds of our children."
-Walt Disney
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
-Groucho Marx
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr. Seuss
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
-Yogi Berra
"A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
-Steve Martin
"Badness is only spoiled goodness."
-C.S. Lewis
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
-Jo Brand
"[Reason tells me of the] extreme difficulty or rather impossibility of conceiving this immense and wonderful universe, including man with his capability of looking far backwards and far into futurity, as the result of blind chance or necessity, when thus reflecting I fell compelled to look to a first cause having an intelligent mind in some degree analogous to that of man; and I deserve to be called a theist. "
-Charles Darwin
(There is a God: How the World's Most Notorious Atheist Changed His Mind by Antony Flew)
"Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. "
-Bertolt Brecht
"As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. "
-Buddy Hackett
"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. "
-Jerry Seinfeld
"If winning isn't everything, then why do they keep score?"
-Vince Lombardi
"What you do doesn't define who you are, but who you are defines what you do."
-unknown
"I don't get RVs. If you're trying to get away from it all, why do you take it all with you? "
-unknown
"A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new. "
-Albert Einstein
"Aw, come on. A little violence never hurt anyone. "
-unknown
"The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is. "
-C. S. Lewis
"A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites off more than he can chew."
-Herb Caen
"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."
-George Burns
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."
-George Carlin
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
-Albert Einstein
"The world can't end today, because it's already tomorrow in Australia."
-Charles M. Schulz
"All the sleep I ever needed is five minutes more."
-Wilson Minzer
"Before you make fun of someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you make fun of them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."
-unknown
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
-Kevin James
"The government requires me to answer 'No.'"
-anonymous
"I'm having a heated, existential discussion with this dead-eyed, plastic desk toy."
-Will Farrell, as Megamind
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose."
-Jim Elliot
"Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours."
-Ronald Reagan
"A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation."
-Mark Twain
"A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be."
-Albert Einstein
"Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get."
-Robert Orben
"Be sure to put your feet in the right place, then stand firm."
-Abraham Lincoln
"Didn't see that one coming."
-Montana Smith
"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."
-Mike Myers
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
-Mitch Hedberg
"It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate."
-Dave Barry
"With great teeth comes great responsibility to keep them clean."
-Floss Man
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
-Groucho Marx
"It's easy to play any musical instrument: all you have to do is touch the right key at the right time and the instrument will play itself."
-Johannes Sebastian Bach
"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."
-Emo Philips
"All human evil comes from a single cause, man's inability to sit still in a room."
-Blaise Pascal
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
-Fred Allen
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
-Steven Wright
"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."
-Rodney Dangerfield
"A dead cow or sheep lying in a pasture is recognized as carrion. The same sort of a carcass dressed and hung up in a butcher's stall passes as food."
-John Harvey Kellogg
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
-Elayne Boosler
"I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people."
-Rodney Dangerfield
"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
-Woody Allen
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
-Steven Wright
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
-Lily Tomlin
"Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration."
-Thomas A. Edison
"A picture is worth a thousand words."
-Napoleon Bonaparte
"How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand."
-Emo Philips
"You are so early 90's."
-Larry the Cucumber
"In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes."
-Benjamin Franklin
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt."
-Charles M. Schulz
"I like television. I still believe that television is the most powerful form of communication on Earth - I just hate what is being done with it."
-Alton Brown
"This is the point in the show where we say, 'Oh, what else do we have in the van that's flammable?'"
-Adam Savage
"I have great faith in fools. Self-confidence, my friends call it."
-Edgar Allan Poe
"What would life be like if there were no hypothetical questions?"
-unknown
"Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle."
-Robert Anthony
"A joke is a very serious thing."
-Winston Churchill
"Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?"
-Phyllis Diller
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet."
-Fran Lebowitz
"I hate quotations."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Give a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. But set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."
-Terry Pratchet
"Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one."
-Bill Gates
"Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical."
-Yogi Berra
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx
"I have yet to meet a lasagna I didn't like."
-Garfield
"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."
-Steven Wright
"The only stupid question is the one that goes unasked."
-unknown
"Fish and visitors stink after three days."
-unknown
"Engage the core!"
-E6 Youth Group
"Don't quote me on this."
-anonymous
"Eighty percent of success is showing up."
-Woody Allen
"I wish social networks would have the timer like in video games so people could see how long they've actually been on there."
-anonymous
"Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far."
-Theodore Roosevelt
"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."
-Douglas Adams
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."
-Abraham Lincoln
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
-Mark Twain
"I'm Batman."
-Batman
"I'd rather be right than president."
-Henry Clay
"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain-- and most fools do."
-Benjamin Franklin
"Riches don't make a man rich, they only make him busier."
-Christopher Columbus
"I'm not closed-minded. You're just wrong."
-unknown
"Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking."
-Albert Einstein
"THROW THE CHEESE!!"
-asdf character
"Internet quotes can be extremely inaccurate."
-Abraham Lincoln
"After my injury, they X-rayed my head and found nothing."
-Yogi Berra
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities."
-Dr. Seuss
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
-Spike Milligan
"Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it."
-P. J. O'Rourke
"Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!"
-Me, running across the beach
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-Bill Gates
"A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?"
-Albert Einstein
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
-Groucho Marx
"Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth."
-Chuck Norris
"I was paying so much attention I'm broke."
-David Janzen
"Great minds think alike. And so do ours."
-Unknown
"Twenty years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope. Today, we have no Jobs, no Cash, and no Hope. Please keep Kevin Bacon alive."
-Unknown
"When they put 'unknown' at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't know how to spell anonymous."
-Unknown
"If by 'delusional,' you mean 'gorgeous,' then yes. Yes, I am."
-Unknown
"I just lost my mood ring. I'm not sure how I feel about this..."
-Colin
"The last man on earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door..."
-Fredric Brown
"Whenever someone asks me if I've ever met Sasquatch, I always tell them, 'He requires me to say no.'"
-anonymous
"I like to stop the microwave with one second to go; it makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert."
-anonymous
"I'd rather make dollars than sense."
-unknown
"Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?"
-some very motivated dude
"I carpool."
-A friend of mine, when asked how he got to school
"A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
-Fred Allen
"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity."
-Edgar Allan Poe
"The most sophisticated people I know - inside they are all children."
-Jim Henson
"Nothing is nothing."
-Spencer
"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex... It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction."
-Albert Einstein
"A soldier will fight long and hard for a bit of colored ribbon."
-Napoleon Bonaparte
"Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe."
-Abraham Lincoln
"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality."
-Albert Einstein
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?"
-George Carlin
"Never, under any circumstances, combine a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."
-Dave Barry
"Bippidy boppidy bacon."
-anonymous
"Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new at all."
-Abraham Lincoln
"Crowded classrooms and half-day sessions are a tragic waste of our greatest national resource - the minds of our children."
-Walt Disney
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
-Groucho Marx
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr. Seuss
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
-Yogi Berra
"A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
-Steve Martin
"Badness is only spoiled goodness."
-C.S. Lewis
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
-Jo Brand
"[Reason tells me of the] extreme difficulty or rather impossibility of conceiving this immense and wonderful universe, including man with his capability of looking far backwards and far into futurity, as the result of blind chance or necessity, when thus reflecting I fell compelled to look to a first cause having an intelligent mind in some degree analogous to that of man; and I deserve to be called a theist. "
-Charles Darwin
(There is a God: How the World's Most Notorious Atheist Changed His Mind by Antony Flew)
"Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. "
-Bertolt Brecht
"As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. "
-Buddy Hackett
"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. "
-Jerry Seinfeld
"If winning isn't everything, then why do they keep score?"
-Vince Lombardi
"What you do doesn't define who you are, but who you are defines what you do."
-unknown
"I don't get RVs. If you're trying to get away from it all, why do you take it all with you? "
-unknown
"A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new. "
-Albert Einstein
"Aw, come on. A little violence never hurt anyone. "
-unknown
"The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is. "
-C. S. Lewis
"A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites off more than he can chew."
-Herb Caen
"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."
-George Burns
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."
-George Carlin
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
-Albert Einstein
"The world can't end today, because it's already tomorrow in Australia."
-Charles M. Schulz
"All the sleep I ever needed is five minutes more."
-Wilson Minzer
"Before you make fun of someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you make fun of them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."
-unknown
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
-Kevin James
"The government requires me to answer 'No.'"
-anonymous
"I'm having a heated, existential discussion with this dead-eyed, plastic desk toy."
-Will Farrell, as Megamind
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose."
-Jim Elliot
"Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours."
-Ronald Reagan
"A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation."
-Mark Twain
"A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be."
-Albert Einstein
"Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get."
-Robert Orben
"Be sure to put your feet in the right place, then stand firm."
-Abraham Lincoln
"Didn't see that one coming."
-Montana Smith
"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."
-Mike Myers
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
-Mitch Hedberg
"It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate."
-Dave Barry
"With great teeth comes great responsibility to keep them clean."
-Floss Man
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
-Groucho Marx
"It's easy to play any musical instrument: all you have to do is touch the right key at the right time and the instrument will play itself."
-Johannes Sebastian Bach
"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."
-Emo Philips
"All human evil comes from a single cause, man's inability to sit still in a room."
-Blaise Pascal
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
-Fred Allen
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
-Steven Wright
"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."
-Rodney Dangerfield
"A dead cow or sheep lying in a pasture is recognized as carrion. The same sort of a carcass dressed and hung up in a butcher's stall passes as food."
-John Harvey Kellogg
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
-Elayne Boosler
"I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people."
-Rodney Dangerfield
"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
-Woody Allen
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
-Steven Wright
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
-Lily Tomlin
"Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration."
-Thomas A. Edison
"A picture is worth a thousand words."
-Napoleon Bonaparte
"How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand."
-Emo Philips
"You are so early 90's."
-Larry the Cucumber
"In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes."
-Benjamin Franklin
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt."
-Charles M. Schulz
"I like television. I still believe that television is the most powerful form of communication on Earth - I just hate what is being done with it."
-Alton Brown
"This is the point in the show where we say, 'Oh, what else do we have in the van that's flammable?'"
-Adam Savage
"I have great faith in fools. Self-confidence, my friends call it."
-Edgar Allan Poe
"What would life be like if there were no hypothetical questions?"
-unknown
"Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle."
-Robert Anthony
"A joke is a very serious thing."
-Winston Churchill
"Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?"
-Phyllis Diller
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet."
-Fran Lebowitz
"I hate quotations."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Give a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. But set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."
-Terry Pratchet
"Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one."
-Bill Gates
"Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical."
-Yogi Berra
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx
"I have yet to meet a lasagna I didn't like."
-Garfield
"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."
-Steven Wright
"The only stupid question is the one that goes unasked."
-unknown
"Fish and visitors stink after three days."
-unknown