All the Jokes of the Day that you really liked but forgot to write down. Oldest on bottom, newest on top.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Me: Would you like to hear a joke about sodium?
Chemist: Na.
Me: How about a joke about potassium?
Chemist: K.
What do you call a nosy pepper?
Jalapeño business.
Tissues are like 80's music; all you need to do is add a little boogie.
A newly hired limousine chauffeur received his first job. He drove to the airport to pick up the client. He couldn't believe it when his client walks up to the limo and he realizes it's Billy Graham. The novice chauffeur stepped out to express his honor to be driving the car for his hero. At one point in the conversation, though, Mr. Graham said that he had always wanted to drive a limo, and asked if that would be possible. The chauffeur decided it would probably be okay because, after all, it was Billy Graham. However, during the drive, Mr. Graham missed a speed limit change, was caught going a tad bit too fast, and was pulled over. The cop, seeing who the driver of the vehicle was, stepped away and radioed his superior. "Boss," he said, "I know we're not supposed to show partiality on the job, but I just pulled over somebody really important. What do I do?" "Well," said the boss, "who is it? The mayor?"
"No," said the cop, "more important than the mayor." "The governor?" "No, sir. More important." "Is it the president?" "No, sir." "Then WHO?" "Well, sir," said the cop, "I think it's Jesus, because Billy Graham's his chauffeur."
Camping trips are so intents.
If I had second thoughts about an appointment I hold on Native American territory, would I be having a reservation reservation reservation?
I went to an Indian restaurant with some friends. Everybody else was getting the flatbread, so I went along with them. I guess that makes me a naan-conformist.
I'm reading a book about antigravity. I can't put it down.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When Moses wants some tea, Hebrews it.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
What happens to chemists when they die?
They Barium.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon.
Lost and Found sign: "Whoever lost a bundle of $100 bills tied up in a rubber band...
I found the rubber band."
"Detective, at what school did you receive your training?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson."
What do you call a row of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare-line.
_
Cigarettes are like squirrels: they're perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Back in the days of long personal titles, there lived a pirate ship captain. He was the bravest captain on the entire ocean. Before every battle, he said to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate did this for many a battle. Eventually, the first mate asked, "Captain, why must I always bring you your red shirt?" The captain said, "That way, if I get stabbed, the crew won't see it, and they won't loose faith in my abilities." The first mate was satified by his answer. Then, one time, the pirate captain was sailing, and he saw the entire Spanish Armada getting ready to attack them. When he saw that, he said, "First mate, bring me my brown pants!"
I've always wanted to read people's minds.Then I got a Facebook account.
I'm over it now.
Whatever you do, always give 100%... unless you're donating blood.
There once was a man who was agnostic, insomniac, and dyslexic. He would stay up all night wondering if there is a dog.
This dyslexic guy walks into a bra...
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy walks right under it.
Humpty Dumpty may have had a terrible summer, but he had a great fall.
If good things come to those who wait, then why is procrastinating bad?
Velcro is such a rip-off.
All the toilets at the New York police station have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I didn't like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
So, just the other day I went for a walk down the road, and I found myself passing by the old mental hospital. As I passed by, I heard all of the patients in the back yard shouting, "13...13...13"!
Now, their wooden fence was so high that I couldn't see over it, but I did spot a little gap in the planks a bit further down. So I decided to have a look and see what all the fuss was about. I started looking through the little hole and then, suddenly, I was poked right in the eye!
Then they all started shouting, "14...14...14"!
I asked a friend, "Which is worse? Ignorance or apathy?" He replied, "I don't know and I don't care."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
One time a cop knocked on my door and told me my dogs were chasing kids on bikes.
...My dogs don't even own bikes...
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out fires.
Why do elephants have big, flat feet?
To stomp out burning ducks.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to light a campfire?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Why was six afraid of seven?
Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see them, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.
...also, Seven has a hook for a hand, which is very scary.
Courtroom joke-
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
I was going to ask God for a bike, but I know that's not how God works. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.
We put in our two cents, but only get a penny for our thoughts. Who gets the extra penny?
The man who had fallen into an upholstery factory is now said to be fully recovered.
Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
I with the buck stopped here. I could use a few...
What must you know to be an auctioneer?
Lots.
A young criminal is awaiting the verdict for stealing a large sum of money from a bank. The jury returns and pronounces him innocent. The accused criminal is perhaps a bit too excited. "Yes!" he cries. "Does that mean I get to keep the money?"
Sign behind an Amish carriage:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.
CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"
If a woodchuck could chuck wood, how many guys walking into a bar would it take to screw in a lightbulb before a chicken can cross the road and knock-knock on the door?
The answer: a bunch of angry people who hate cliches.
Chuck Norris can strangle a person with a chordless phone.
How much does it cost to get a pirate's ears pierced?
A buck-an-ear!
Why can pirates never learn the alphabet?
Because they can spend years at C.
My friend is a procrastinator. He's afraid of Saturday the 14th.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
He had an orthodontist appointment.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, monkey do.
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says, "Say, is it getting hot in here?" The other muffin says, "Whoa! A talking muffin!"
Three fish are in a tank. One of them says, "Do either of you know how to drive this thing?"
The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.
If the people who make motivational posters are so motivated, why are they still working in a poster factory?
A man is lying on a hill, staring up at the sky, and asks, "God, to you, how much is a million years?"
God answers, "To me, a million years is a second."
"To you, how much is a million dollars?"
"To me, a million dollars is a penny."
"God, can I have a penny?"
"In a second."
What do you call a person who jumps off of a bridge in Paris?
In-Seine. (Insane)
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we don't like your kind in here."
The mushroom says, "Come on, I'm a fun guy." (fungi)
Actual church bulletin: "Weight-watchers' meeting at the church tonight. Enter through the large double doors."
Actual church bulletin: "At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."
Hickory dickory dock,
the mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
and the others escaped with minor injuries.
Snake wrestling contest ended in a tie.
I quit my job at the Helium gas factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
What time is it when a clock chimes 31 times?
Time to fix the clock!
When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he doesn't push himself up. He pushes the world down.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
There are 10 types of people in the world: people who understand binary, and people who don't.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Open the door and find out!
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
George Washington.
George Washington who?
Where were you in history class?
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who's taken out of a hole?
Doug.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who's put into a hole?
Phil.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who's thrown in the water?
Bob.
There are three types of people in the world: people who can count, and people who can't.
Three old guys are walking along. The first one says, "Boy, it's windy today." The second one says, "No, it's Thursday." The third one says, "So am I! Let's go get a drink."
How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hey, you wanna go play video games?
What's green, slimy, and hairy?
Today's lunch at the cafeteria?
Nope. That was yesterday. Today's is red, slimy and hairy.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
Trilingual.
How about two languages?
Bilingual.
One language?
American.
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in (fill in the place you want to make fun of that has a lot of hillbillies)?
Because if it were invented anywhere else, it would be called the "teethbrush."
"Yeah, like that'll happen- when pigs fly!"
"Well, swine flu."
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
What do an orange and a bicycle have in common?
They both have handlebars except for the orange.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
How many sumo wrestlers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five. One to hold the bulb and four to turn the room.
Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other, "Say, are you afraid of catching that mad cow disease?" The other cow replies, "Why would I be worried about mad cow disease? I'm an airplane!"
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Me: Would you like to hear a joke about sodium?
Chemist: Na.
Me: How about a joke about potassium?
Chemist: K.
What do you call a nosy pepper?
Jalapeño business.
Tissues are like 80's music; all you need to do is add a little boogie.
A newly hired limousine chauffeur received his first job. He drove to the airport to pick up the client. He couldn't believe it when his client walks up to the limo and he realizes it's Billy Graham. The novice chauffeur stepped out to express his honor to be driving the car for his hero. At one point in the conversation, though, Mr. Graham said that he had always wanted to drive a limo, and asked if that would be possible. The chauffeur decided it would probably be okay because, after all, it was Billy Graham. However, during the drive, Mr. Graham missed a speed limit change, was caught going a tad bit too fast, and was pulled over. The cop, seeing who the driver of the vehicle was, stepped away and radioed his superior. "Boss," he said, "I know we're not supposed to show partiality on the job, but I just pulled over somebody really important. What do I do?" "Well," said the boss, "who is it? The mayor?"
"No," said the cop, "more important than the mayor." "The governor?" "No, sir. More important." "Is it the president?" "No, sir." "Then WHO?" "Well, sir," said the cop, "I think it's Jesus, because Billy Graham's his chauffeur."
Camping trips are so intents.
If I had second thoughts about an appointment I hold on Native American territory, would I be having a reservation reservation reservation?
I went to an Indian restaurant with some friends. Everybody else was getting the flatbread, so I went along with them. I guess that makes me a naan-conformist.
I'm reading a book about antigravity. I can't put it down.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When Moses wants some tea, Hebrews it.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
What happens to chemists when they die?
They Barium.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon.
Lost and Found sign: "Whoever lost a bundle of $100 bills tied up in a rubber band...
I found the rubber band."
"Detective, at what school did you receive your training?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson."
What do you call a row of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare-line.
_
Cigarettes are like squirrels: they're perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Back in the days of long personal titles, there lived a pirate ship captain. He was the bravest captain on the entire ocean. Before every battle, he said to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate did this for many a battle. Eventually, the first mate asked, "Captain, why must I always bring you your red shirt?" The captain said, "That way, if I get stabbed, the crew won't see it, and they won't loose faith in my abilities." The first mate was satified by his answer. Then, one time, the pirate captain was sailing, and he saw the entire Spanish Armada getting ready to attack them. When he saw that, he said, "First mate, bring me my brown pants!"
I've always wanted to read people's minds.Then I got a Facebook account.
I'm over it now.
Whatever you do, always give 100%... unless you're donating blood.
There once was a man who was agnostic, insomniac, and dyslexic. He would stay up all night wondering if there is a dog.
This dyslexic guy walks into a bra...
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy walks right under it.
Humpty Dumpty may have had a terrible summer, but he had a great fall.
If good things come to those who wait, then why is procrastinating bad?
Velcro is such a rip-off.
All the toilets at the New York police station have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I didn't like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
So, just the other day I went for a walk down the road, and I found myself passing by the old mental hospital. As I passed by, I heard all of the patients in the back yard shouting, "13...13...13"!
Now, their wooden fence was so high that I couldn't see over it, but I did spot a little gap in the planks a bit further down. So I decided to have a look and see what all the fuss was about. I started looking through the little hole and then, suddenly, I was poked right in the eye!
Then they all started shouting, "14...14...14"!
I asked a friend, "Which is worse? Ignorance or apathy?" He replied, "I don't know and I don't care."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
One time a cop knocked on my door and told me my dogs were chasing kids on bikes.
...My dogs don't even own bikes...
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out fires.
Why do elephants have big, flat feet?
To stomp out burning ducks.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to light a campfire?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Why was six afraid of seven?
Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see them, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.
...also, Seven has a hook for a hand, which is very scary.
Courtroom joke-
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
I was going to ask God for a bike, but I know that's not how God works. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.
We put in our two cents, but only get a penny for our thoughts. Who gets the extra penny?
The man who had fallen into an upholstery factory is now said to be fully recovered.
Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
I with the buck stopped here. I could use a few...
What must you know to be an auctioneer?
Lots.
A young criminal is awaiting the verdict for stealing a large sum of money from a bank. The jury returns and pronounces him innocent. The accused criminal is perhaps a bit too excited. "Yes!" he cries. "Does that mean I get to keep the money?"
Sign behind an Amish carriage:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.
CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"
If a woodchuck could chuck wood, how many guys walking into a bar would it take to screw in a lightbulb before a chicken can cross the road and knock-knock on the door?
The answer: a bunch of angry people who hate cliches.
Chuck Norris can strangle a person with a chordless phone.
How much does it cost to get a pirate's ears pierced?
A buck-an-ear!
Why can pirates never learn the alphabet?
Because they can spend years at C.
My friend is a procrastinator. He's afraid of Saturday the 14th.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
He had an orthodontist appointment.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, monkey do.
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says, "Say, is it getting hot in here?" The other muffin says, "Whoa! A talking muffin!"
Three fish are in a tank. One of them says, "Do either of you know how to drive this thing?"
The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.
If the people who make motivational posters are so motivated, why are they still working in a poster factory?
A man is lying on a hill, staring up at the sky, and asks, "God, to you, how much is a million years?"
God answers, "To me, a million years is a second."
"To you, how much is a million dollars?"
"To me, a million dollars is a penny."
"God, can I have a penny?"
"In a second."
What do you call a person who jumps off of a bridge in Paris?
In-Seine. (Insane)
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we don't like your kind in here."
The mushroom says, "Come on, I'm a fun guy." (fungi)
Actual church bulletin: "Weight-watchers' meeting at the church tonight. Enter through the large double doors."
Actual church bulletin: "At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."
Hickory dickory dock,
the mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
and the others escaped with minor injuries.
Snake wrestling contest ended in a tie.
I quit my job at the Helium gas factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
What time is it when a clock chimes 31 times?
Time to fix the clock!
When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he doesn't push himself up. He pushes the world down.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
There are 10 types of people in the world: people who understand binary, and people who don't.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Open the door and find out!
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
George Washington.
George Washington who?
Where were you in history class?
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who's taken out of a hole?
Doug.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who's put into a hole?
Phil.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who's thrown in the water?
Bob.
There are three types of people in the world: people who can count, and people who can't.
Three old guys are walking along. The first one says, "Boy, it's windy today." The second one says, "No, it's Thursday." The third one says, "So am I! Let's go get a drink."
How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hey, you wanna go play video games?
What's green, slimy, and hairy?
Today's lunch at the cafeteria?
Nope. That was yesterday. Today's is red, slimy and hairy.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
Trilingual.
How about two languages?
Bilingual.
One language?
American.
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in (fill in the place you want to make fun of that has a lot of hillbillies)?
Because if it were invented anywhere else, it would be called the "teethbrush."
"Yeah, like that'll happen- when pigs fly!"
"Well, swine flu."
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
What do an orange and a bicycle have in common?
They both have handlebars except for the orange.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
How many sumo wrestlers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five. One to hold the bulb and four to turn the room.
Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other, "Say, are you afraid of catching that mad cow disease?" The other cow replies, "Why would I be worried about mad cow disease? I'm an airplane!"
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
What did one eye say to the other?
"Something's come between us that smells."
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate 9.
How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
THAT'S NOT FUNNY! WE'RE SUING!
How many Canadians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fifteen- one to screw it in and fourteen to chip it out of the ice.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
I was wondering why that ball in the distance was getting bigger and bigger. And then it hit me.
I stayed up for hours wondering where the sun went at night. And then it dawned on me.
Boy in hospital after swallowing a quarter. No change yet.
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details still sketchy.
A criminal is on death row, about to be executed. When asked if he had any last wishes, he said, "Sir, I really like to sing. Can I sing my favorite song before I die?" Given permission, he starts singing "One billion bottles of beer on the wall.."
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye-deer! (No idea)
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye-deer!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
One time Chuck Norris gave a horse an uppercut. It's modern-day descendants are known as giraffe.
How do you fit six elephants into a small car?
One in the driver's seat, one in the passenger seat, two in the back seat, one in the trunk, and one in the glove compartment.
Person 1: This match won't light!
Person 2: That's weird. It did just fine this morning.
What is a polynomial (pronounced PALL-e-NO-meel)?
It's a bird on a diet.
What's the difference between an elephant and a banana?
Ever tried to peel an elephant?
Where is Solomon's temple?
On the side of his head.
April Fools' day: My favorite one that I've seen so far is Google's: Gmail Motion. Check it out at http://mail.google.com/mail/help/motion.html
Two angles are playing in the street, when a huge truck zooms by and mangles one of them. The second one runs inside and tells his mom about what happened. The mother angle comes out, looks at the scene, and says, "You're right. That's one wrecked angle."
What do you get when you combine an elephant with a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
A lion comes upon two guys in a jungle. One is reading a book, the other is scribbling away on a notepad. The lion instantly devours the one with the book. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, but writers cramp.
This painter has a habit of spreading the paint really thin to cover more space and save money. One day, while painting a church, all of a sudden the sky clouds over and the rain pours. Then, everything dries up and the painter hears a voice from above, "Repaint, now go and thin no more."
The person who makes it doesn't need it, the person who buys it doesn't use it, the person who uses it doesn't know it. What is it? (Highlight below to find out.)
A coffin.
Why is it hard for lobsters to share?
Because they're shellfish.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost.
What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
What do you get when you throw a bomb in a French kitchen?
Linoleum Blown-apart.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts to do it.
What do you call a cat that's thrown in the dryer?
Fluffy.
What do you call a cat that's thrown in the dryer and is never found again?
Socks.
What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert?
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
How about a cow with one leg?
Steak.
A cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
Three legs?
Tri-tip.
Four?
A cow.
Five?
Rare.
Four and a half?
Medium-rare.
Two birds are sitting on a perch. One of them says, "Do you smell fish?"
What do you call three drowning Mexicans?
Quatro Sinco!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Inturrupting co-
MOOOOO!!!!!
Three guys are talking about what it means to be famous.
The first guy says, "Fame is sitting in the Oval Office with the President."
The second guy says, "No, fame is when your'e in the Oval Office and the Red Phone rings and the President doesn't answer because he's talking to you."
The third guy says, "Nah, REAL fame is when the President picks up the Red Phone, listens for a few seconds, and says, 'It's for you.'"
A proton, a neutron, and an electron walk into a bar. The neutron says, "Everything's on me this time," and asks the bartender, "How much for three drinks?" "For you," the bartender says, "no charge."
This guy is showing his kids some of his old records (you know, the big, black discs that came before CDs).
"When I was growing up, pretty much all music came this way."
The kids stand there in silence for a few moments, then one says,
"Wow! How big were your iPods?"
"Something's come between us that smells."
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate 9.
How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
THAT'S NOT FUNNY! WE'RE SUING!
How many Canadians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fifteen- one to screw it in and fourteen to chip it out of the ice.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
I was wondering why that ball in the distance was getting bigger and bigger. And then it hit me.
I stayed up for hours wondering where the sun went at night. And then it dawned on me.
Boy in hospital after swallowing a quarter. No change yet.
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details still sketchy.
A criminal is on death row, about to be executed. When asked if he had any last wishes, he said, "Sir, I really like to sing. Can I sing my favorite song before I die?" Given permission, he starts singing "One billion bottles of beer on the wall.."
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye-deer! (No idea)
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye-deer!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
One time Chuck Norris gave a horse an uppercut. It's modern-day descendants are known as giraffe.
How do you fit six elephants into a small car?
One in the driver's seat, one in the passenger seat, two in the back seat, one in the trunk, and one in the glove compartment.
Person 1: This match won't light!
Person 2: That's weird. It did just fine this morning.
What is a polynomial (pronounced PALL-e-NO-meel)?
It's a bird on a diet.
What's the difference between an elephant and a banana?
Ever tried to peel an elephant?
Where is Solomon's temple?
On the side of his head.
April Fools' day: My favorite one that I've seen so far is Google's: Gmail Motion. Check it out at http://mail.google.com/mail/help/motion.html
Two angles are playing in the street, when a huge truck zooms by and mangles one of them. The second one runs inside and tells his mom about what happened. The mother angle comes out, looks at the scene, and says, "You're right. That's one wrecked angle."
What do you get when you combine an elephant with a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
A lion comes upon two guys in a jungle. One is reading a book, the other is scribbling away on a notepad. The lion instantly devours the one with the book. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, but writers cramp.
This painter has a habit of spreading the paint really thin to cover more space and save money. One day, while painting a church, all of a sudden the sky clouds over and the rain pours. Then, everything dries up and the painter hears a voice from above, "Repaint, now go and thin no more."
The person who makes it doesn't need it, the person who buys it doesn't use it, the person who uses it doesn't know it. What is it? (Highlight below to find out.)
A coffin.
Why is it hard for lobsters to share?
Because they're shellfish.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost.
What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
What do you get when you throw a bomb in a French kitchen?
Linoleum Blown-apart.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts to do it.
What do you call a cat that's thrown in the dryer?
Fluffy.
What do you call a cat that's thrown in the dryer and is never found again?
Socks.
What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert?
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
How about a cow with one leg?
Steak.
A cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
Three legs?
Tri-tip.
Four?
A cow.
Five?
Rare.
Four and a half?
Medium-rare.
Two birds are sitting on a perch. One of them says, "Do you smell fish?"
What do you call three drowning Mexicans?
Quatro Sinco!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Inturrupting co-
MOOOOO!!!!!
Three guys are talking about what it means to be famous.
The first guy says, "Fame is sitting in the Oval Office with the President."
The second guy says, "No, fame is when your'e in the Oval Office and the Red Phone rings and the President doesn't answer because he's talking to you."
The third guy says, "Nah, REAL fame is when the President picks up the Red Phone, listens for a few seconds, and says, 'It's for you.'"
A proton, a neutron, and an electron walk into a bar. The neutron says, "Everything's on me this time," and asks the bartender, "How much for three drinks?" "For you," the bartender says, "no charge."
This guy is showing his kids some of his old records (you know, the big, black discs that came before CDs).
"When I was growing up, pretty much all music came this way."
The kids stand there in silence for a few moments, then one says,
"Wow! How big were your iPods?"